1st milestone: 30k words

Hey everyone, as I had stated before that I would be treating my blog as a diary for the next three months (and more, decidedly MORE) so here I am after like TWO months? I suppose.

Never have I felt 30000 words to be a lot but damn, they sure are a lot so much so that they literally feel like an achievement. There were days where I had self-doubt and days where I had absolutely no motivation or energy. Like, when I write 30k words in my profession, they pay quite a lot, but here, I have no surety if this thing is going to pay me back or not. Lol! Then, there was the freaking festive season and I was cleaning and de-cluttering and being creative (not writing but decorating) during the Diwali season. But anyhow, somewhere it also feels amazing and satisfactory, since I am pursuing my passion which a number of people give up on.

I have always followed deadlines even for myself but I haven’t adhered to them this time around. I have definitely forced myself to write on a number of days and there have been nights when my thoughts have been shrouded by doubts. Imagine sitting in front of a blank page and thinking, “Vanya, FEAR, what if this doesn’t work?”

“Vanya, PANIC, your market rates as a freelancer will decrease!?”

“Vanya, ANXIETY, will it actually make your parents proud?”

“Vanya, TREPIDATION, what will the society say?”

“Vanya, ALARM, this is going to go nowhere. Just Give Up already”

And many such statements cropped into my mind, and for that, I should definitely say Kudos to my brain which is quite efficient at overthinking and has the capability of creating the worst-case scenarios.

Gosh, I have never worked so hard to keep a positive mindset. I have always felt at ease even when I am faced with critical situations and have seen the silver lining in everything. Never have I experienced any situation more harrowing than this. I keep reminding myself (I have started repeating positive affirmations but then again I have a wonderful brain that seeps in the middle of my affirmations.)

“Whatever happens, happens for a reason.” (My brain: It doesn’t. It’s all your fault.)

“I am proud of all that I have achieved.” (My brain: Damn, have you even achieved anything?)

*Eye roll* You get the idea.

I have waded through all of this crap and actually managed to write 30k words. When I saw the bottom left corner of the MS word document, I couldn’t have been happier. Damn, I really need to pat myself on the back. Somehow, I have reached this milestone. Editing aside, at least I wrote something that I would be able to edit.

Goodbye, Thanks for the support. Hoping you all enjoy the coming month of December.

This is Vanya signing off for today.

Vanya’s brain: Why are you even doing all this. Your planet might get destroyed before you write your book down. Anything can happen in the Universe. You are an insignificant race. You should stop praying to the Universe. Stephen Hawking said you all are chemical scum on a moderately sized planet.

Yeah brain, okay. Just Shut up.

Goodnight all!

P.S: I just went with the flow and didn’t check for typos so, my apologies if you find any.

Thanks for visiting!

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Vanya Rajwar

An Alpha by sight but a lone wolf by right. Eternally and Devastatingly romantic. Not 'sugary' but dark and tormented. A furore of passion and the despair of an idealism not realised. An Ambivert; my calm demeanour hides the raging storm of emotions inside. A Freelance Writer; expressing emotions through words.

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