I am not Her

A Tale of the girl who once lived and loved selflessly

There was a girl who once lived,

She loved more than she could,

Gave more than many deserved,

Selfless was her soul, it existed to serve,

I am not her.

.

She brought smiles to faces,

In the dead of the night, her muffled cries went unheard,

She filled others with happiness,

While piece by piece she shattered,

I am not her.

.

Often taken for granted,

Still altruistically she served,

Putting the welfare of others before herself,

To her own pain she paid no heed,

I am not her.

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Neglected by the ones she loved,

She waited ages for them to understand her worth,

With a delicate heart and strong mind,

She still stayed by them through all storms,

I am not her.

.

She still resides within me,

Exhausted by having loved so selflessly,

She has churned me into what I am today,

I love and give others,

But I don’t forget to love myself for the same,

She has done her part of spreading love well,

Now she needs her rest.

The woman that I am today,

She is not that epitome of unselfish love and benevolence,

I walk away when my efforts are not respected,

Some might find it inconsiderate,

I apologize for the same,

But I refuse to be her,

I need to love myself too,

I am not her.

.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2020

Note: I got mails from quite a number of my followers as to what had happened to the surprise related to the book. I was supposed to share it yesterday but something went haywire. I promise I will be introducing it very soon. Please do stay tuned!! Thankyou so much for the support!

He & She: An Eternal Story (9)

Life is a Series of Maybes but for now its Goodbye

“So this is finally goodbye,” he asked, his voice wavering as he looked at her.

“Yes, yes, it is,” she said, with a steely gaze.

“Do you think?” he asked, “We might meet again.”

Her eyes softened for a while as she sighed. “Life is a series of maybes. Someday, in some other place, maybe, our souls might get entangled again.”

“Maybe,” he said, “But I am sorry again, if only you could give me…”

“Some apologies are futile,” she said cutting him, her voice cold, “I have forgiven you but sometimes the damage is irrevocable. Maybe, we will meet again in the midst of our stories; maybe, when your soul is wiser, maybe a day when you’d understand the extent of devastation your words and actions actually caused, but till then it’s goodbye.”

With that, she turned around and left him standing all alone, the way he had left her stranded when she had needed him the most. She deserted him on the path they had decided to walk on till eternity to pave one for herself. As he saw her receding figure, he realized he had taken her love for granted for way too long. He had tired her beautiful soul; left it so cold that the woman who could never stay away from him didn’t turn back even once as she walked away.

Little did he know, she didn’t turn because there were tears flowing from her eyes; the dam had finally broken. She had used the final ounce of her strength to walk away from him. She had waited for very long, waiting to be acknowledged, wanting to be loved, and now when he finally did, it felt meaningless to her. Simply because he had prioritized someone else when she had needed him the most.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2020

The Other Girl

“Didn’t you tell him that you already know? I mean, doesn’t it hurt you?” she asked.

“He isn’t telling me probably because he doesn’t want to hurt me. What is sad is I know about the other girl, her love for books and polaroids and how fascinated he is by her. That is my folly I know a little too much for my own good. Little does he know that he is hurting me more by hiding it,” I said. “Does it hurt, you ask? It does especially when you see right through his words and excuses and how he escapes the conversations, so I try not mentioning anything that would make him lie again. His hiding stuff from me, that’s what hurts.”

All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar. VRa.

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2020

COLD

Once upon a time in the astral realm of my dreams we sat together,

Our fingers entangled, I was sure of a Forever,

Till you left, you had found another,

Left all alone, I still waited in hopes of your return,

You never came and I turned Cold.

.

All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar. VRa. Ā©

January|2020

EXISTENCE

Tale of a Strong Woman with a Dead Soul who finds her Existence Pointless

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She wanted to be the girl in his poems,
The one he would never forget.
She wanted to be the girl in his sketches,
The one he would always need,
Just like the air he breathes.
She wanted to be the girl in his dreams,
The one he would fight for,
One he would forever be at the side of.

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Instead she became the girl who wrote odes to her pain,
In trying to become his muse,
She lost her own self.
The girl who pretended to be happy even when sad,
Tried to be strong even when weak,
All this just for him;
Her hollow eyes had no expression,
When she realised she was so replaceable, so easily forgotten.

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Even after all that, Lust driven men chased after her,
Trying to claw at the numb remains of a body, with a shattered soul,
Nobody seemed to care, she had emotions too.

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Left Uncared & Unloved for, people sing praises of her strength,
The girl who became her own muse.
A girl who seems stone cold,
Shrouded in a constant mystery,
One who loved and fought with all her being,
something the ones in her life failed to reciprocate.
A wounded tigress they call her,
But she is just a girl with a dead soul,
One whose tears fail to flow,
One who feels she has no regrets, To the extent that,
She finds her mere Existence pointless.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar.

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2019

DIFFERENCE

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“A Tale of an Attack on a Woman’s Integrity that has made a huge Difference”

Because darling each time you ponder what went wrong,

My answer won’t change with the apologies that time brings along.

I have been hurt many a times before,

I am a fighter,

Something you knew from the beginning,

And said you understood to the very core.

To tell me I can’t handle a simple truth,

You had the audacity,

When it was you who was afraid to face it,

You should have thought twice over your choice of words.

You called me a queen,

But a queen is powerful and intuitive,

This you ought to have known.

Never afraid to walk away,

Always a rarity,

She can carve her own pathway.

Many statements have been spoken afore,

But those were mere attacks on my ego and vanity.

But sweetheart, yes, there was a variation,

Because yours was a brutal attack on my dignity

And the very strength of my integrity.

It created an abysmal gulf between my Forgiveness and Indifference.

And that, Dear Heart, has made all the DIFFERENCE.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar.

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2018

THE POINT

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“A Satirical Tale about the Point whence I stopped believing in Eternal Love”

I am tired of pleading people to love me,

The realisation that my real self does not interest them,

has finally dawned on me.

All I want right now is for all these men;

to let me be.

I tried loving once,

it was a puppy love, the kind you fall in at school,

it seemed so pure and true.

It ended when I realised that he was a dunce,

Besides me, there were three others in the lieu.

Oh the perils of love!!

Never will I love again, I took an oath that day;

but then time passes and things tend to change,

And I wasn’t able to keep things at bay.

I fell in love again, the shock came,

when I read his status on facebook one day,

stating he was gay.

He ended things on this note with me;

how cruel and deceptive can this world be,

I realised to my utter dismay.

No! No! No! I absolutely won’t love again,

I kept reminding myself after this instance,

as I fought with the pain.

But God’s work was not over with me,

and love crept up yet again;

My resistance, well, it was all in vain.

To this man I gave my all,

In hopes that he might stay;

it all ended in a debacle,

as another woman made his attention stray away,

so its obvious I had to leave him anyway.

I grew up with time,

All these love flings, I felt, were lessons of life.

I was in search for stability when I stumbled upon a person,

who I felt would be, worth the while.

I was happy and felt wanted,

after years of yearning;

But I guess I should have known better,

after all the years of learning.

His confusion and instable mind,

unnerved me to no extent.

I knew I was a prize,

At the end’ I had to quit;

I couldn’t stay with someone,

unsure about me.

I had finally decided I won’t look back,

then a person came and tried to heal me.

Heaven knows he was shattered more than me,

yet he made me laugh and smile.

He reasoned with his tact,

I knew he wasn’t over his latter love;

As he tried to rescue me I could sense his broken heart,

He needed the healing more than I did.

Despite having read it all,

I fell for him without refrain;

I tried hard not to but he had me chained.

I was shackled in his snares but this time round,

I knew better than to share.

This was the POINT, where come what may;

I knew I won’t love someone who treated me as a second choice,

someone with whom my inner self I couldn’t bare.

The point at which I could tolerate the ignorance,

bear the pain of separation, miss my whole existence,

but bowing down to someone who didn’t care

was worse than the pain of the cold shoulders and angry glares.

It was the point when I wanted to be with someone,

not for the avarice but for the romance;

Someone who would love my actual soul and not the facades I wear on a daily roll,

Someone who had the balls to accept me and never be deceitful towards me on the whole.

It was the point whence I knew without err that if a man couldn’t handle me,

fair and square,

then he didn’t deserve me at all.

My tryst with myself would continue for a lifetime,

even if such a man did not come my way,

this I forswear.

All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar.

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2018

ASHES

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“The Tale of a Love incinerated Soul”

He looked at her and smiled.

She smiled back but it never reached her eyes; the twinkle she always had in them whenever he was around was missing.

He realised he had already murdered the soul of the most special person in his life.

She wasn’t the girl he had fallen for anymore; he had pierced her right to the core.

She was still there for him but her warmth was missing.

She had become an empty void which was devoid of any sensations.

She was tired of waiting and had long stopped expecting.

He wanted his girl back but even he knew that the pain he had caused had already killed the girl he once loved.

Her ASHES were buried somewhere inside the blank space he was smiling at.

 

All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar.

The Soul’s UrgeĀ©|2018