I am tired of pleading people to love me,
The realisation that my real self does not interest them,
has finally dawned on me.
All I want right now is for all these men;
to let me be.
I tried loving once,
it was a puppy love, the kind you fall in at school,
it seemed so pure and true.
It ended when I realised that he was a dunce,
Besides me, there were three others in the lieu.
Oh the perils of love!!
Never will I love again, I took an oath that day;
but then time passes and things tend to change,
And I wasn’t able to keep things at bay.
I fell in love again, the shock came,
when I read his status on facebook one day,
stating he was gay.
He ended things on this note with me;
how cruel and deceptive can this world be,
I realised to my utter dismay.
No! No! No! I absolutely won’t love again,
I kept reminding myself after this instance,
as I fought with the pain.
But God’s work was not over with me,
and love crept up yet again;
My resistance, well, it was all in vain.
To this man I gave my all,
In hopes that he might stay;
it all ended in a debacle,
as another woman made his attention stray away,
so its obvious I had to leave him anyway.
I grew up with time,
All these love flings, I felt, were lessons of life.
I was in search for stability when I stumbled upon a person,
who I felt would be, worth the while.
I was happy and felt wanted,
after years of yearning;
But I guess I should have known better,
after all the years of learning.
His confusion and instable mind,
unnerved me to no extent.
I knew I was a prize,
At the end’ I had to quit;
I couldn’t stay with someone,
unsure about me.
I had finally decided I won’t look back,
then a person came and tried to heal me.
Heaven knows he was shattered more than me,
yet he made me laugh and smile.
He reasoned with his tact,
I knew he wasn’t over his latter love;
As he tried to rescue me I could sense his broken heart,
He needed the healing more than I did.
Despite having read it all,
I fell for him without refrain;
I tried hard not to but he had me chained.
I was shackled in his snares but this time round,
I knew better than to share.
This was the POINT, where come what may;
I knew I won’t love someone who treated me as a second choice,
someone with whom my inner self I couldn’t bare.
The point at which I could tolerate the ignorance,
bear the pain of separation, miss my whole existence,
but bowing down to someone who didn’t care
was worse than the pain of the cold shoulders and angry glares.
It was the point when I wanted to be with someone,
not for the avarice but for the romance;
Someone who would love my actual soul and not the facades I wear on a daily roll,
Someone who had the balls to accept me and never be deceitful towards me on the whole.
It was the point whence I knew without err that if a man couldn’t handle me,
fair and square,
then he didn’t deserve me at all.
My tryst with myself would continue for a lifetime,
even if such a man did not come my way,
this I forswear.
All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar.
The Soul’s Urge©|2018