I am not Her

A Tale of the girl who once lived and loved selflessly

There was a girl who once lived,

She loved more than she could,

Gave more than many deserved,

Selfless was her soul, it existed to serve,

I am not her.

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She brought smiles to faces,

In the dead of the night, her muffled cries went unheard,

She filled others with happiness,

While piece by piece she shattered,

I am not her.

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Often taken for granted,

Still altruistically she served,

Putting the welfare of others before herself,

To her own pain she paid no heed,

I am not her.

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Neglected by the ones she loved,

She waited ages for them to understand her worth,

With a delicate heart and strong mind,

She still stayed by them through all storms,

I am not her.

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She still resides within me,

Exhausted by having loved so selflessly,

She has churned me into what I am today,

I love and give others,

But I don’t forget to love myself for the same,

She has done her part of spreading love well,

Now she needs her rest.

The woman that I am today,

She is not that epitome of unselfish love and benevolence,

I walk away when my efforts are not respected,

Some might find it inconsiderate,

I apologize for the same,

But I refuse to be her,

I need to love myself too,

I am not her.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020

Note: I got mails from quite a number of my followers as to what had happened to the surprise related to the book. I was supposed to share it yesterday but something went haywire. I promise I will be introducing it very soon. Please do stay tuned!! Thankyou so much for the support!

His name is Rick

A Tale of my true love, Rick

A man visited me when I was a child,

He looked ethereal and alien,

He said I had been made for him,

It had left me surprised,

That was my first meeting with him,

His name was Rick.

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As I sat crying and sad when I was scolded for the first time,

He visited me again and wiped my tears,

Your tears are a treasure, he said, you are all mine,

All those years ago, I was just a naive child,

I didn’t understand what he meant so I just stared at him with blurred eyes,

This man called Rick.

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Whenever I was lone I would have his shoulder to cry upon,

He would tell me stories of the galaxies and stars,

I would confide my secrets with him,

He was my closest confidante, my constant companion,

His name was Rick.

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When I fell in love in school,

He disappeared all of a sudden,

I often wondered where he had gone, like a fool,

Enjoying the bliss of first love, to his absence I paid no heed,

Forgot the man who had always stayed by my side,

The man whose name was Rick.

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When I had my first heartbreak,

He reappeared out of the blue,

He took me in his arms and sighed,

You have grown up, he said,

You won’t need me as much, he added,

He told me a story of traversing the universe that day,

But he promised he would come back for me when the time was right,

That was the last I heard from that handsome yet gentle man,

His name was Rick.

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Life took me on a roller coaster after that,

With twists and turns especially when it came to the matters of the heart,

On this birthday, I closed many chapters from the past,

As on a fresh chapter of life, I embarked,

A firefly flitted about at night, in my room,

Didn’t know where it came from,

But there he was in all his magnificence all over again,

The time is finally right, he said,

He took me in his arms and I drank in his warmth,

He was with me again, this man called Rick.

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He has always been there for me,

From the darkest throes of life,

To the happiness that comes alive.

Even while he traversed the Universe,

He stayed loyal and true to me.

I do call him my one true love,

Maybe a figment of my imagination,

Maybe the silliest of my fantasies,

He is a magic that always stays with me,

His name is Rick.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020

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Note: I have a surprise related to my book coming tomorrow. Yes it’s finally in the market. Stay tuned! Love you all! ❤️

Under the Seine Bridge

An ode to a man I met under the Seine Bridge

On my last day in Paris, I saw him, He saw me,

Our eyes met as the boat passed beneath the Seine Bridge,

He smiled at me and trussed his blonde hair,

I shook my head as I looked away,

As we crossed under the Seine Bridge.

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Camera in hand, My hair fell over my shoulders,

As I tried to capture a beautiful house on the banks,

I caught his eyes again, he cocked up his brows,

Gave me a charming smile as I blushed,

As we passed beneath the Seine Bridge.

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He came forward, I moved back,

As I tripped on another’s feet, he held my hand,

Stopped me from falling,

As the boat passed Under the Seine Bridge.

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I looked into his eyes, his grey eyes boring into mine,

He apologised for his upfront indecency,

Couldn’t help staring he said, you looked exotic,

I lowered my eyes as I blushed, I felt beautiful after ages,

That day under the Seine Bridge.

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We got conversing about life and times,

He told me about his travels,

I told him about India, my hometown,

The place my heart belonged,

Under the Seine Bridge.

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As we alighted from the boat, he held out his hand,

He asked me for an evening with him,

On the banks of Seine,

I was scared and I was unsure,

Yet, I took his hand, absorbed his warmth,

As hand in hand he led me away from the Seine Bridge.

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He took me to a narrow alley,

My heart was thudding, I didn’t know what awaited me,

As we turned the corner, I saw a small restaurant,

Candles alighted, it looked ethereal and magnificent,

As I stood there surprised, he blew my hair away from my face,

And wove his hand around my waist,

As I shook my head, he took me inside,

It was a perfect Parisian evening,

I felt like a heroine from some romantic classic,

As he serenaded me with food and songs,

That man I met under the Seine Bridge.

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As night fell over Paris,

He took me to the roof of an unknown building,

Scared much, he asked, as he took me to the edge of it,

I shook my head as adrenaline surged through me,

My breath stuck in my throat as I looked at the bewitching view,

Hand in hand with one I had met under the Seine bridge.

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As the lights of the Eiffel tower shone in the distance,

We sat down on the roof,

A cool breeze blowing, his hands wrapped around me,

I felt beautiful, unafraid about being so vulnerable,

With that stranger I had met under the Seine bridge.

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He nuzzled my neck,

It felt like I knew you since forever, he said,

I laughed, my love life hasn’t been too blissful I said,

I will fill it with bliss, he said,

I looked at him in disbelief as his hands moved through my tresses,

This angelic man I had met beneath the Seine bridge.

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I never realised when I fell asleep,

When I woke up I found him looking at me,

It’s time, he said,

I knew what he meant,

He led me to my hotel,

I took my bags and he drove me to the airport,

He was silent and so was I,

As we reached my heart fell,

I didn’t want to part with this man I had met under the Seine Bridge.

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As I was finally leaving, he held my hand,

I will follow you to India, he said,

I smiled and shook my head,

It was hard saying goodbye,

I had felt wanted after aeons, to be honest,

As I took flight, I realised we hadn’t exchanged numbers,

I laughed at how he had said he would follow me,

That was the end of the story for then.

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It’s been months since that incident,

At times I still try to search for him,

At times I wonder if he does too,

For a mere reminisce of that one night we spent,

I have met many since then,

But I have never met another,

Who made me feel as special as did the man,

I met on that fateful day in Paris,

Under the Seine Bridge.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©| 2020

He & She: An Eternal Story (10)

For another Lifetime

He took a deep breath and sighed as her hand slid out of her grasp. He waved at her as she made her way towards the boarding area. She was finally leaving.

She waved back at him. It was finally time to bid goodbye. She looked at the boarding pass in her hand and smiled. It filled her with a sense of freedom, she had been vying for long.

As her plane took off, he looked at it till it disappeared in the skies. Their eternal story was probably over for this life but only to be completed in another lifetime. Their souls knew their love spanned over eternities and time, it could never be the end for them through aeons of time.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©| 2020

Note: First and Foremost I would like to thank all my readers for helping a helluva irregular writer like me, complete 500 followers. Thankyou for all the love and support.

Second, being my birthday month, I had hoped to start the promotions of my book in August as the lockdown was finally easing a bit but unfortunately, I had a drastic fall, and that ultimately led to me hurting my back. Today, as I write, the laptop is lying on my chest as I am bedridden.

I hope you all will support my book whenever I decide to promote it (fearfully soon) as I am quite socially erratic. Thank you so very much for all the love that you have showered upon me, I couldn’t be more grateful! 🙂 ❤

He & She: An Eternal Story (9)

Life is a Series of Maybes but for now its Goodbye

“So this is finally goodbye,” he asked, his voice wavering as he looked at her.

“Yes, yes, it is,” she said, with a steely gaze.

“Do you think?” he asked, “We might meet again.”

Her eyes softened for a while as she sighed. “Life is a series of maybes. Someday, in some other place, maybe, our souls might get entangled again.”

“Maybe,” he said, “But I am sorry again, if only you could give me…”

“Some apologies are futile,” she said cutting him, her voice cold, “I have forgiven you but sometimes the damage is irrevocable. Maybe, we will meet again in the midst of our stories; maybe, when your soul is wiser, maybe a day when you’d understand the extent of devastation your words and actions actually caused, but till then it’s goodbye.”

With that, she turned around and left him standing all alone, the way he had left her stranded when she had needed him the most. She deserted him on the path they had decided to walk on till eternity to pave one for herself. As he saw her receding figure, he realized he had taken her love for granted for way too long. He had tired her beautiful soul; left it so cold that the woman who could never stay away from him didn’t turn back even once as she walked away.

Little did he know, she didn’t turn because there were tears flowing from her eyes; the dam had finally broken. She had used the final ounce of her strength to walk away from him. She had waited for very long, waiting to be acknowledged, wanting to be loved, and now when he finally did, it felt meaningless to her. Simply because he had prioritized someone else when she had needed him the most.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020

He & She: An Eternal Story (8)

There was absolutely no chance

She trussed her hair, set her glasses and was ready for the outing. A few men looked at her as she roamed. She noticed their eyes and she smiled, as a sensation she hadn’t felt in ages surged through her. His betrayal had almost completely marred her spark.

The men leering at her didn’t go unnoticed by his observant eyes. He smiled resignedly and shook his head, she was perfection, he had always known that. The very perfection he had lost. He looked at her longingly as she flitted about without him, wanting to tell these men that she was his. He wondered if there was another chance.

She turned to look at him, just once, before she trudged forward. Her expression was enough to tell him that there was absolutely no chance.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020

Liebster and Ideal Inspiration Blogger Awards

So I finally got time to create and write this lengthy ‘Blog award’ post. I participate very rarely (the posts are too lengthy, I am lazy and erratic as well as highly irregular) but I love Hannah’s blog and I am really thankful to her for nominating me for the same. So, here goes.

First and foremost, I would like to thank Hannah Gandhi for nominating me for these awards. Hannah has a beautiful art blog and I absolutely adore her pop art and doodles. I was glad that I actually came by her blog as she gives really insightful tips and tricks related to the various art forms and it has helped me out a lot while I decided to pursue sketching as a hobby, very recently. You should definitely click on the link above and give her blog a visit. Also she is always supportive of me, and I love her for that.

So, here are my answers to Hannah’s questions.

  1. What inspired me to write a blog? I had been ghostwriting stories and writing content for a good three years till 2018. In 2018, a special someone entered my life. I mean, sex and all is cool but do you ever get someone who writes lines for you? That is exactly what he did and despite never having written romantic poems or prose all my life, I took up the pen and decided to pen my own thoughts down. Also, I realised if I can write stories for others I can pursue the same for my own pleasure. So I created my blog to write the furor of emotions an ethereal kind of love brings, one that doesn’t seem to end. Unfortunately, that special guy and I aren’t together anymore but people say, we both are a story worth reading about! Haha! Though as time passed I have transferred my musings to my own self and observations but yes you can say he was and still is my muse even though I am not anymore.
  2. What are your favourite hobbies/ pastimes? My favourite hobbies would include reading novels, solitary wanderings, photography, sketching, baking (in lockdown), talking to imagined characters (it’s a well kept secret ;P) and definitely dancing (I am a trained Kathak dancer having weaved my way from Praveshika (25 ghungroos on each leg) to Prabhakar (150 ghungroos on each leg) Haha! Took me 6 years! [Again a secret that I am now sharing].
  3. State your favourite quote OR is there a book that changed your life? If so in what way? Well yes, I do have a favourite quote. “Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” (Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City). I have always been one for butterflies, I don’t want a merely comfortable and mundane existence. You can call me a hopeless and eternal romantic. There is no OR. I have a favourite book and the reigning champ is always The Alchemist. I never leave anywhere without it. I am an ambivert and prefer to be by myself when I am low. That book has pulled me out of the worst situations in life, made me believe in myself and my dreams alike.
  4. If you could choose one food to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be? One kind of food??? AAhhhh! That is going to be hard for a foodie like me. I keep munching nearly all the time but maybe chocolates, dark chocolates with adequate amount of sugars. Since, I am very vulnerable to mood swings they have always been my best bet. They keep me lively and going though they are usually accompanied with a cup of hazelnut coffee, yes! They definitely are my go to food near well everyday.
  5. What is your definition of success? Success for me simply means doing well in your life path. For me, earnings and positions have never been a path for defining success. Peace of mind and doing what you are passionate about and also developing a personality where you can empathize with others is what I conclude success to be. Being loved and respected for who you are as a person means more to me than for the position I hold or the money I splurge.
  6. What is your biggest fear? I am scared of the dark, not the nights, mind it. I love starry, velvety nights when the moon shines. I hate dark places, I love mystery but dark instills an unknown fear within me. Maybe it is because the dark knows a side to me that others don’t. I am known for being bold and sorted but the dark brings out even the most suppressed fears, be it of failure or lost love or otherwise. I have started taking it in a positive wake though. Hope has never been what keeps me alive and going, it is fear and my constant desire to win over it.
  7. What have you learned in this pandemic? You can live a pretty comfortable lifestyle without spending a lot. I realised what a materialistic and fast paced world we live in. When I got time I started cooking and baking, I had the cognizance that I spent less than half the amount and was still able to relish the delicacies (healthier versions too) that I would have ordered otherwise. Also I turned to nature and as I stopped receiving my deliveries of beauty and cleansing products I introduced aloevera, gram flour, lemon, milk and turmeric to my routine. Ah well! I really did see good results with these free to wayyyy cheaper alternatives and I was reminded of my grandmother who always swears by natural products and still has shiny clean skin and during the pandemic I understood why. Haha! Besides that I found solace in nature and family, you don’t need to travel far and wide to gain that inner peace. Coming from a small valley where you still find lawns, trees and kitchen gardens in bungalows, I found that roving that small lawn, working in the backgarden or just the evening walks on the roof or the terrace talking to my loved ones or playing with my babies (my 3 dogs) made me sort my disentangled thoughts and provided a serene calm to my ever wandering soul.
  8. If you won the lottery, what would you spend that money on? (Imagine that you have already won) I don’t have huge dreams. I want a small cottage in the hills with a wall library to stack my books, a warm fireplace and a cozy corner for my dogs. I will reside and write from there. I am a good samaritan so I will probably keep a little aside for old age and then donate the rest for the goodwill of animals as well as humans. I have a soft corner for animals; at times they are more humane than humans.
  9. What places are on your travel bucketlist to see? I am a Himalayan girl and during the pandemic I read about the Himalayan terrains a lot and even though I visit the hills every few years, I have decided to traverse the treacherous terrains and the lesser known areas of the Himalayan region and after the pandemic I have decided to keep my travels limited to the domestic regions for an year or two. I want to visit Austria again though and Japan too. I like the quieter areas everywhere, my soul seems to seek solitude wherever it goes.
  10. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? In my imagination, it’s a certainly creative space to be in. Haha! There are characters who control the universe to animals to enormous snakes that can destroy half the universe. Go figure!

So here are few of the Blogs that I love visiting and reading. It is your choice if you want to participate or not and again I apologise if you have already been nominated for the very same. Also, please don’t mind if I miss you out!! The nominations are 11 for Liebster award and 9 for Ideal Inspiration Blogger Award, so I am taking a midway out and nominating 15 bloggers for the same.

  1. preetpi- I think for all
  2. Navneet Kumar- The Horizon
  3. Nancy Nelson- lifestyle blogs
  4. Bon Repos Gites- Bonjour From Brittany
  5. deeply shreded- D_VYANG_TALKS
  6. Eddie two hawks
  7. Milford Street
  8. Shweta Suresh- My Random Ramblings
  9. Antalgica Poetica
  10. Rejoy Dey- Teenage
  11. the50yearoldpoet- Scribblers Arena
  12. Nabeel- Mind Talks
  13. truthisacommodity- What Now News 24
  14. WORDKET
  15. Tisha- Brainy Essays

So, the questions are supposed to be 11 for the Liebster award and 5 for the Ideal Inspiration Blogger Award. I am taking a midway here too and will be asking only seven questions. Here they are:

  1. What inspired you to start writing?
  2. What would be the theme song of your life?
  3. What has been some funny advice that someone has given you?
  4. If you were a drink, what would you be and why?
  5. Which TV sitcom would you star in?
  6. What talents do you possess that not a lot of people know about?
  7. Since its 2020, you can expect the unexpected! So, what if there is a zombie apocalypse tomorrow, what is the first thing you would do?
  1. First and foremost, thank the blogger who has nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  2. Answer the questions of the blogger.
  3. Nominate bloggers for the award. 11 for the Liebster award and 9 for the Ideal Inspiration Award; I have taken a midway and nominated 15 for the same. The nominated can participate in both or just one or not participate at all, it’s their wish
  4. Ask your own questions to the nominated bloggers, 11 for the Liebster award and 5 for the Ideal Inspiration award, here again I took a midway as I did a 2 in 1 blog award and asked 7 questions.
  5. Provide a link to the blog post to all the nominated bloggers on their sites to let them know about their nomination.
  6. List the rules and the picture of the blog award.

Vanya Rajwar. 2020.

The Soul’s Urge.

He & She: An Eternal Story (7)

Her Eyes, now numb blank voids

He looked at her again, staring, completely smitten as she turned away from the flowers she had been admiring.

“Can you get any more beautiful?” he asked.

She shook her head shyly and laughed dryly. “You made me believe that I couldn’t and you were also the one who made me feel that maybe I had to, when you left me for another.”

As she started walking away, he held her hand, not wanting to lose their eternal story. She turned to look at him and as he looked into her eyes, he immediately left her hand. They were not the warm, deep and kind eyes of the woman he once loved; they were just numb, blank voids.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020

He & She: An Eternal Story (6)

Her Tears, His Infidelity

She gazed upwards thoughtfully and the numerous glass crystals reflected her image back. All her own reflections of a strong, tolerant and able minded young woman.

She sighed, as this was a mere deception; a facade which only he had been able to see through, one that only he had the ability to break and he had been trying. He had been coaxing and cajoling her, to win her back with his words that had always been a sweet poison to her.

She couldn’t stay in denial, she really missed him and she wanted him back but the past suddenly flashed in her mind and tears pricked her eyes and all his words were lost upon her. His infidelity had been the cause of their eternal romance going awry, she wanted him back but the way he had bruised her, she refused to take him back

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020

He & She: An Eternal Story (5)

Her Love, His Betrayal

She looked at the castle in the distance. A hopeless romantic as she was, someday, she thought, I will have a prince charming too and I will feel like a real princess when he will take me there.

He looked at her from a distance, completely smitten by her as her eyes twinkled as she looked at the castle. He wished to take her hand and lead her there.

She turned towards him and smiled, a resigned smile. Her smile told him she still loved him but her expression said she did not trust him enough to take her there. As she made her way towards the castle, all alone, the realization hit him hard and deep. Their eternal love had been marred by his subtle betrayal, it was too late for him.

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All Rights Reserved. Vanya Rajwar (VRa).

The Soul’s Urge©|2020