“This is it,” my mind screamed, “I have to do it.” I was in my bed, lying down thinking about the story I had started writing a few months ago, one which I had deleted time and again. Sometimes, it was after a thousand words, sometimes five thousand and the last one I remember had already reached nearly twenty thousand. I hadn’t found the satisfaction till a few mornings ago.
For me, unless I am able to transmit myself into a world of eternity that turns me into a hermit and cuts me off from the rest of the living world, when I have no idea what the time is, when the voices outside nullify themselves because I am in the flow of eternity with a story I am living, it’s not writing.
The dawn of that morning was similar to many other mornings which I had probably missed because I am a late riser but what was different was the sudden burst of inspiration. The character I had been trying so hard to visualize all these months had finally started unfurling its story to me.
As I went about my work that day, catering to clients, trying to memorize that character and how to formulate its story, I felt frustrated. I just wanted to write, nothing more and nothing less but I just couldn’t. As a freelancer I don’t have a wonderful life as some people envisage it to be. I have deadlines, the stress of pitches not getting accepted, there are stories which are rejected, the revisions, writing about topics which you detest but you have to because you have bills to pay and a lot more. Sometimes, I don’t even have a relieving weekend unlike many people out there.
By the time I got free, I was way too burnt out to write anything at all. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the will power but my brain and body refused to cooperate with me. This was when I decided to take the plunge. I took the major decision of not taking up projects, not sending pitches, not putting up bids for the next few months while I am writing.
There have always been two factions when it comes to leaving jobs for pursuing something you are passionate about. Some take the plunge and leave the job while some don’t. I believe it differs from person to person. The only thing I knew was if I had to write the story it needed my full time and attention. Considering I hope to send it for traditional publishing, I already know it’s a hard road ahead. It isn’t going to be easy but I am ready to give my all.
Writing is a lonely job. Having someone who believes in you makes a lot of difference. They don’t have to make speeches. Just believing is enough.
Stephen King
I have a believer in my mother, the lady is also one of the reasons that I could take such a humongous decision. “Chase after your dreams, even if I am not alive. Never give up,” were her words when I had first decided to write a book and some day I hope I get the chance to make her proud. In a country where creativity is looked down upon unless you carve a name for yourself, her support acts as a pillar of strength for me. I won’t deny that I am blessed as not everyone is lucky enough to have a mother like mine. In fact, we are surrounded by people who probably just want to sing praises about their children’ monetary and educational achievements. Nobody asks whether that was what the child wanted or was he/she conditioned by the society to work towards it or was it what the parents wanted when they reiterated “parents know best”. There are various questions and a myriad of answers which I don’t want to delve into.
For the time being I have moved to a corner room in my parents’ house where I can write at ease. Since, I have already been living a hermit’s life as a freelancer, cooped up inside with my laptop, it isn’t much of a change for me. I know my parents are worried and probably want me to go outside and make connections and gain exposure but I believe in the universe and my gut tells me that I need to write this book before involving myself in anything else. Over the next few months I will probably be treating my blog just as a mere diary on the longest of journeys that I have ever embarked upon. I know there will be confusion, some self doubt, rejections, maybe even bouts of depression and we can never deny the probability of a failure but I have made up my mind to overcome these obstacles and follow through with my passion. If nothing, it will only end up polishing me.
I hope you all can live this journey with me and support me in the same since I believe that the good wishes of many can act as a booster for one’s hopes. Having written ten thousand words that have given me an immersive and eternal experience in the past five days have only strengthened my belief in my decision. They are words I was able to write freely in a continuous flow and I think are much better than what I had managed in the past seven months since the idea had first struck me. I feel content, and I think that is all I wanted.
If you have actually read it till the end, then a big THANKS!
Adios! Until next time!
– Vanya Rajwar, 07/10/2021
The Soul's Urge 